Step into my brain for a moment:
“I can’t believe I’m acting like this. I mean I have 3 healthy beautiful boys AND I was able to nurse them all for decent periods of time. I’m being ridiculous. Look there! Look at the cover of People magazine this week. Valerie Harper has brain cancer. She will die in like 3 months, and I’m weeping/ugly crying over this… I’m just stupid. I need to just blog, but what will people think? I’m a nut case, I’m an emotional train wreck… both are probably true… at least in this moment or always .”
In walks Joe. He hugs me tightly, & I admit my stupid feelings. He holds me close; longer even, then I thought he would. He tells me how proud he is of me. So proud of what I’ve sacrificed for our kids. He tells me there are new journeys ahead. That he’s here for me, and while he’s never done this, he gets how I’m feeling.
I grab the computer, head to the main floor. Turn on the t.v., and type to you. I need to blog. Because it helps me release it. Because if you think I’m nutty, you can. I don’t care. (yes, I do, but I don’t want to know ) This is my outlet, and I’m using it.
So, here it is.
After a moment out with Max, and him having a meltdown, he asked for “this”, (pointing to my chest). “Feed you.” he said. I looked at Joe, excused myself, and for the first time in months, fed my son in the middle of the day by nursing him. That’s when I decided it was time. Time to let go of this wonderful gift I’d been able to give. Joe and I talked that day. We decided that over the weekend we would quit nursing. Here I sit, after my very last nursing session, ever.
That’s the other thing; We have also decided to be done having kiddos. Saying it, even typing it, makes me get a lump in my throat & just become sad. The truth is, if there weren’t such risks for me having babies, we’d be having another. But there are. So.Many.Risks. Then there is the guilt. I have friends desperate to have just one baby, or desperate to give their kid a sibling. How dare I be so sad.. How dare I be ungrateful….
But, I am sad. The only thing I can do is cry, and look for the brighter side.
There are many great things ahead right? Like being diaper free, gate free, childproof free. Not being overwhelmed. Sleeping through the night again. We can take different trips and attending sports for the kids will be easier. Tons of cool things. I’m just bad at letting go, I’m bad at change too.
Thus the goofy tears, irrational thoughts, guilt and lastly this post.
Can you please do me a favor? Not that I expect negativity here, but the sensitivity level in this hizzzouse is at an epic level. So, the favor: if you are planning to comment, keep it positive, or keep it in. Please and Thank you.